The Hidden Trap of ‘I Proved Them Wrong’ in Medicine: Part 2

The Role of a Good Mentor

In Part 1, we explored the hidden trap of making career decisions just to “prove them wrong.” Mentors can help you avoid that trap by offering perspective, pointing out risks, and helping you focus on choices that actually align with your values. The best mentors don’t just cheer you on; they challenge you, give honest feedback, and act as a compass when ego or external pressure threatens to steer your decisions off course.

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Was I a bad mentor?

One summer, I mentored a student who wanted to attend medical school. She had scored in the 15th percentile on the MCAT and explained she didn’t have the time to retake it. Based on her GPA and the AAMC data, her odds of admission were under five percent. We went through the stats together, and I told her I was concerned about her chances if she didn’t improve her score.

I don’t know exactly how she interpreted that conversation. I suspect it’s easy to walk away thinking, “Dr. Liv said I’ll never get into med school.” This kind of misinterpretation is common in mentorship. A mentor’s advice can feel like discouragement, even when the intention is to provide clarity.

A good mentor helps you sort out what’s possible, what’s risky, and what’s still worth pursuing anyway. We can’t always control the quality of our mentors, but we can listen carefully, appraise advice critically, and strive to be the kind of mentor we once needed.

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Three signs of a good mentor

Finding a good mentor is a lot like finding a good friend (or even a partner!).

1. Ask yourself: Is this person genuinely happy for my wins?

2. Pay attention to how they speak about others when those people aren’t around. Are they praising colleagues and students, or criticizing and comparing? How they talk about others can be a strong signal of how they’ll guide you.

3. A good mentor is honest about areas for improvement. If all you ever hear is praise, you may have found a cheerleader, but not a coach. In medicine, you need a coach more than a cheerleader.
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A good mentor is a coach, not a cheerleader

As a college NCAA athlete, I noticed our most talented teammates received the most critical feedback, not because they weren’t good, but because the coaches saw their potential and wanted to sharpen every part of their game.

My ballet teacher used to say, “If I stop correcting you, it means I’ve given up on you.”

I took these lessons to heart. In medical school, I sought mentors who weren’t afraid to point out areas for improvement. The mentors most invested in your growth are the ones willing to tell you hard truths.

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Why mentors sometimes hesitate to give honest feedback

Giving honest, critical feedback is uncomfortable. There are both psychological and practical reasons a mentor might hold back:

Psychological reasons:

• Fear of damaging the mentor-mentee relationship
• Worry that the mentee will misinterpret criticism as personal rejection
• Concern about affecting a mentee’s confidence, motivation or mental health

Practical reasons:

• Limited time or bandwidth to offer detailed feedback
• Uncertainty about the appropriate level of critique for the mentee’s stage of training
• Risk that critical feedback could be remembered or shared in a way that reflects poorly on the mentor

Acknowledging these factors can make it easier to receive feedback when it is offered.

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A tip for turning cheerleaders into coaches

If someone in your life is supportive but rarely offers constructive critique, you can make it easier for them to step into a coaching role. After a project, presentation, or patient encounter, ask:

“How can I improve for next time?”

This works because:

1. It signals a growth mindset. You’re showing that you value improvement over perfection.
2. It shifts focus to the future. Most mentors don’t want to rehash a mistake, but imagining how to improve next time feels constructive.
3. It scopes the feedback. Narrowing the question makes it easier for mentors to share what they truly noticed without feeling like they’re criticizing you personally.

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So, what makes a good mentor?

A good mentor helps you navigate the tension between ambition and realism, offering guidance that challenges you without defining you. Seek coaches, not cheerleaders, and you’ll not only grow as a physician, but learn how to mentor others with the same honesty and care.

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