Raising a Family in Residency

Imagine standing on the edge of a precipice, looking down into a whirlwind of long hours, sleepless nights, and endless responsibilities. Now imagine stepping into that whirlwind, not alone, but with a family in tow. Sounds daunting, doesn’t it? Welcome to the life of a medical resident raising a family - a life that’s as exhilarating as it is challenging, as rewarding as it is exhausting. But please know that you can do it! Although it’s difficult, we’re finding so much joy in it.

For context, Hannah delivered our son during her second year of residency. She and I have different perspectives on what it was like being pregnant during residency, so if you ever have questions, feel free to reach out. But our lives changed forever once our son was born. So here are some of our learnings, and we hope they’re helpful.

The Unique Challenges of Residency with a Family

The Time Crunch

One of the most glaring challenges of residency is the time commitment. Residents often work 80+ hours a week, with shifts lasting up to 28 hours. This leaves precious little time for anything outside the hospital, including family. Picture this: You come home after a grueling 24-hour shift, and instead of collapsing into bed, you’re greeted by the excited squeals of your toddler who’s missed you all day. Exhausted? Yes. But also heartwarming? Absolutely. Balancing physical exhaustion with the feeling of being emotionally absent is difficult. Hannah often talks about feeling “mom guilt” because of it.

The Emotional Tug-of-War

Residency isn’t just physically demanding; it’s emotionally draining as well. You might be dealing with critically ill patients one moment and then rushing home to soothe a crying baby the next. The emotional whiplash can be intense. The key is to compartmentalize—focus on your patients when you’re at work and give your family your undivided attention when you’re home. It's easier said than done, but it’s a skill we’ve developed over time.

One way we’ve gotten better at this is by not coming home until the work is done. It’s not true 100% of the time, but Hannah does her absolute best to complete all charting at the hospital, even if it means staying late. That way, when she’s home, she’s home. I work from home, so it looks a bit different for me. However, because I work from home, it’s easy for the work to NEVER stop. So when I’m done for the day or need to take over on dad duty, I shut the door behind me and mentally separate myself. I have to - otherwise I become a work-a-holic….which I’ve been at times. And if I still need to get other stuff done, I’ll get back to it after the others have gone to sleep - but when I shut the door behind me, I know it’s time to be a dad and husband.

The Balancing Act

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance during residency can feel like walking a tightrope. There will be days when you feel like you’re failing both as a resident and parent. The important thing is to remember that perfection is not the goal—balance is. It’s about finding a rhythm that works for your family and adjusting it as needed. Maybe it means scheduling regular date nights with your partner or setting aside a few hours each weekend for quality family time. Small, consistent efforts can make a big difference.

The Homefront: Life Outside the Hospital

The Power of Routine

When your work life is unpredictable, creating a home routine can provide much-needed stability for your family. Establishing regular meal times, bedtime rituals, and weekend activities can give your children a sense of security and normalcy, even when your schedule is anything but typical. Plus, routines can help you carve out dedicated family time, no matter how chaotic your work life gets. Nothing you haven’t heard before…but we’ve just found it to be super helpful for us.

The Importance of Support Systems

No one can do it all alone, and this is especially true for resident physicians with families. Lean on your support systems—whether it’s family, friends, neighbors, church, or fellow residents. Don’t be afraid to ask for help with childcare, household chores, or even a sympathetic ear.

This has been something we’ve struggled with. We’re far away from both sets of extended family, so getting their physical support is very difficult. But in years 2 + 3 of residency, we lucked out with incredible neighbors. Neighbors who’ve become our lifeline in many ways. We also got involved in a church, and that’s been a massive help in connecting with others outside the hospital. It’s not like we have a ton of spare time, but the love of our neighbors and the consistency of being involved in our church has provided the support we needed to get through this season.

The Value of Flexibility

Flexibility is your best friend during residency. Be prepared to adapt and improvise as needed. Your partner might have to take on more of the parenting duties, and you might have to miss a few soccer games or school recitals. Communicating openly with your partner about your schedule and working together to find solutions is important. And remember, it’s okay to let some things slide. The dishes can wait, but spending quality time with your family cannot.

The Daycare Dilemma: Nanny or Daycare?

When both parents work long hours, reliable childcare is a must. You have two main options: daycare or a nanny. Both have advantages and challenges, and both can be costly.

The Nanny Solution

Having a nanny, like our family does from 8 AM to 4 PM Monday-Friday, can be a godsend. A nanny can provide personalized care, flexible hours, and can even help with light household chores and meal prep. The most significant advantage is the consistency and the one-on-one attention your child receives.

However, hiring a nanny is a significant expense. Budgeting for a nanny during residency requires careful financial planning. Here are a few tips:

• Reassess Your Budget: Look at your monthly expenses and see where you can cut back to afford the nanny’s salary. This might mean dining out less often or postponing big purchases.
• Use Pre-Tax Dollars: If your employer offers a Dependent Care Flexible Spending Account (FSA), take advantage of it. You can use pre-tax dollars to pay for childcare expenses, which can save you a significant amount of money.
• Tax Benefits: You may be eligible for the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit. Consult with a tax advisor to see how you can maximize your savings.
• Negotiate Hours: If a full-time nanny is too costly, consider negotiating for part-time hours or sharing a nanny with another family to reduce costs.

The Daycare Option

Daycare centers are another viable option. They often provide structured activities, socialization opportunities with other children, and are generally less expensive than hiring a nanny. However, daycare hours may not always align with your unpredictable residency schedule, and you might need to find additional care for early mornings, late evenings, or weekends.

To make daycare work:

• Look for Flexible Options: Some daycare centers offer extended hours or drop-in care for an additional fee. Research facilities in your area to find one that fits your schedule.
• Explore Subsidies: Check if your residency program or local government offers subsidies or discounts for daycare. Some hospitals have partnerships with daycare centers that offer reduced rates for their employees.
• Budget Carefully: Like with a nanny, reassess your budget to ensure you can cover daycare costs. Consider setting up a dedicated childcare savings fund.

Financial Sacrifices: Is It Worth It?

Let’s face it: Raising a family during residency often means making financial sacrifices. The high cost of childcare can eat into your savings and leave you with less disposable income. You might not be able to save as much as you hoped during these years, but that’s okay. Think of childcare as an investment in your family’s well-being and your career. Ensuring your children are well cared for while you both focus on getting through residency can alleviate stress and allow you both to perform better at work and at home.

The Silver Linings

Despite the challenges, there are many silver linings to raising a family during residency.

Building Resilience

The demanding nature of residency can build resilience in both you and your family. Your children will learn the value of hard work, dedication, and perseverance by watching you. They’ll also learn to adapt and thrive in a dynamic environment. And you’ll become adept at managing your time, juggling multiple responsibilities, and prioritizing what truly matters.

Strengthening Family Bonds

The shared experience of navigating residency can bring your family closer together. As partners, you’ll both gain a deeper understanding of the sacrifices and demands of each other’s profession, and hopefully, your children will grow up with a profound respect for the work you both do. The moments you do spend together will be all the more precious because they’re hard-earned.

Professional Fulfillment

Raising a family during residency doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your professional goals. On the contrary, your family can be a source of motivation and inspiration, driving you to excel in your career. The pride and joy you feel when you achieve your professional milestones will be amplified when you share them with your loved ones. For the partners who’ve moved to a new city for residency, it may mean you had to leave your previous job and are looking for something new. This is one of the reasons why the Other Side Med Community exists. Not only is it created to support your emotional and relational needs, but there’s a vast network of professionals open to making connections and introductions for remote work opportunities.

Are You Crazy or Courageous?

Is it smart to raise a family during residency, or are you fooling yourself into thinking you can do both? The answer is: It depends. It depends on your support system, your flexibility, your ability to manage stress, and your desire to love when it’s hard. But more importantly, it depends on your willingness to embrace the journey with grace and forgiveness through all its ups and downs.

If you’re determined to pursue your passion for medicine while raising a family, you’re not crazy—you’re courageous. You’re showing your children that it’s possible to follow your dreams without sacrificing your personal life. You’re teaching them the importance of resilience, hard work, and balance. And most importantly, you’re creating a family environment that’s rich in love, support, and shared experiences.

Tips for Thriving as a Resident with a Family

• Communicate Openly: Keep the lines of communication open with your partner and children. Discuss your schedule, share your challenges, and celebrate your successes together.
• Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that you won’t be able to do everything perfectly. Set realistic expectations for yourself and your family, and be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is crucial. Make time for exercise, healthy meals, and adequate sleep. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
• Stay Organized: Use calendars, planners, and apps to stay organized. Plan your week in advance, but be prepared to adjust as needed.
• Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from family, friends, or professional counselors. Sometimes, just talking to someone who understands can make a world of difference.
• Make Time for Fun: Schedule regular family activities that you all enjoy. Make time for fun and laughter, whether it’s a movie night, a weekend hike, or a game night.
• Celebrate ALL Wins: Celebrate the small and large victories along the way. Finished a tough rotation? Celebrate with a family outing. Successfully juggled a particularly hectic week? Treat yourself to something special.

Encouragement

Raising a family during medical residency is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. You’re not alone in this journey—many have walked this. We’re here for you, and you’ve got this!