Navigating Intimacy in Medicine

Intimacy is often described as the silent love language in marriage - a pulse check on connection, trust, and shared joy. Yet, for those of us sharing life with a physician in residency, intimacy can feel like one more task slipping through the cracks. Between 80-hour workweeks, unpredictable calls, and the emotional toll of medicine, it’s no wonder physical intimacy can take a backseat. And for partners outside of medicine, the emotional and physical chasm being created can feel frustrating, even heartbreaking, as if you’re living with a roommate rather than a spouse.

If you’ve felt this tension in your marriage, know that you’re not alone. Research shows that nearly 37% of residents report dissatisfaction with their sexual health during training, often citing exhaustion, stress, and time constraints as the top three culprits. Moreover, the demanding schedule of residency makes sustaining physical and emotional intimacy a complex challenge for couples, especially those with children.

But this season doesn’t have to define your marriage. We’ve had all the ups and downs like anyone else throughout residency, but here are five practical, research-backed strategies to pursue intimacy with your partner that have been helpful for us.

1. Intimacy Doesn’t Always Mean Sex

It’s easy to equate intimacy solely with sex, but during residency, it helps to expand your definition. Intimacy is about connection - physical, spiritual, emotional, and even intellectual. Sometimes, a deep conversation after bedtime, holding hands during a walk, or sharing a dirty joke can build bridges that feel just as meaningful as physical touch.

One example: I remember a phase when my wife was working back-to-back nights on labor and delivery. Between both of our work schedules, we barely had time to exchange more than a “goodnight” and “good morning.” To stay connected, I started leaving sticky notes in her car, lunchbox, and laptop. They were tiny reminders of love, humor, and appreciation. Those notes became a lifeline, reminding us we were still in this together, even when time and energy were scarce.

2. Embrace Scheduled Intimacy Without Guilt

Spontaneity may seem romantic, but in the world of medical training, it’s often unrealistic. Rather than lamenting the lack of “organic” moments, embrace the practicality of scheduling. Yes, this can feel unsexy at first - but it ensures intimacy doesn’t get deprioritized. We’ve not always done this well, but it’s something we continue working towards.

For you, this could look like marking one night on the calendar as "us time" regardless of what rotation you or your partner are on. Some weeks it means late dinners after our son goes to bed. Other weeks, it’s turning off the tv and putting our phones away for a 20-minute cuddle before we collapse in bed. The point isn’t the length of time, it’s the intention to reconnect.

A 2023 study on residents’ sexual well-being found that couples who intentionally prioritized time together reported higher satisfaction in their relationships, even when work-life balance was poor. Intimacy, like anything, thrives when nurtured.

3. Let’s Talk About Sex

The demands of residency can often leave the physician partner too exhausted to initiate or engage in physical intimacy. Meanwhile, the non-medical partner may internalize this as rejection or a lack of interest (guilty as charged). 

Talking openly about these feelings has been a huge growth area for us and our marriage. By acknowledging the elephant in the room: “I miss connecting with you physically,” or “I feel like we’re out of sync, and I’d like us to work on this together.” These conversations don’t have to feel heavy. Sometimes, humor helps lighten the mood: “I’d like to formally book an appointment for some 1:1 time with Dr. Amazing - you free this week?” 

Normalize discussing your needs, frustrations, and desires. Studies show that couples who communicate openly about their sexual relationship tend to be more satisfied overall. And remember, intimacy thrives on emotional safety—so approach these talks with compassion, not blame.

4. Get Creative with Time and Space

With kids in the mix, the complexity of finding time for intimacy skyrockets. Yet, it’s worth getting creative about carving out moments for just the two of you.

One couple we know instituted “morning coffee dates” on weekends when their kids were glued to cartoons. Another couple swapped babysitting duties with a neighbor to steal away a couple of hours once a month. In our case, we’ve occasionally turned our nanny’s 8-to-4 schedule into an opportunity for a spontaneous lunch date at the hospital or even a quick nap together when Hannah’s home from a night shift.

Intimacy doesn’t always require hours of uninterrupted time, it’s about making the most of the moments you have. And for couples who feel disconnected, even 15 minutes of focused connection can go a long way in rebuilding the spark.

5. Focus on Small, Daily Acts of Affection

Physical intimacy begins long before the bedroom. Small, daily gestures, kissing goodbye, touching their arm as you pass in the kitchen, or sending a flirty text during the day… create a foundation of closeness.

During residency, these micro-moments matter more than ever. They remind your partner that you’re thinking about them, that they’re loved, and that your relationship is still a priority despite the chaos. And these things go both ways between partners.

One trick we’ve used: pick one affectionate habit and commit to it for a month. For example, I made it a goal to greet my wife with a hug every day when she came home. Emmett, Duke (mini golden doodle) and I stand at the front door every morning or every evening when Hannah gets home. These hugs were consistent reminders that we love her, that she’s enough, and that she can come home and just be herself and no one's doctor any longer.

Final Thoughts: Building a Resilient Marriage

Medicine may test your relationship, but it doesn’t have to define it. By prioritizing connection, communicating openly, and adapting your approach to intimacy, you can come out of this season stronger and more united.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Thousands of couples navigating the medical training years are grappling with similar challenges. And while the road isn’t easy, it is absolutely worth it.

Your marriage deserves just as much care and intention as the patients your partner serves. So, take the time to pursue each other—laugh together, listen deeply, and keep building the kind of connection that can weather even the longest of on-call nights.

Because at the end of the day, medicine is just one chapter of your story. Your marriage, well, that’s the whole book.

-
Chris Herring
Cofounder @ Other Side Med
Cofounder @ Hippocratic Collective

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