A Note from Hospital Administration

Dear Faculty and Staff,

We want to make you aware of a recent threat to hospital security. As you may have seen on the news, last night around 3AM, several earthquakes were felt throughout North America including Washington DC, Atlanta, Houston, Chicago, Mar-a-Lago, LA and NYC, resulting in the appearance of unimaginably large rifts and sinkholes in the surface, with direct views of the Earth’s core. There were also reports of ethereal rays of heavenly light hitting people on Earth directly and lifting them out of their beds into the atmosphere, while others were met with instantly fatal lightning strikes. Simultaneously, Western Europe also experienced similar abnormal shifts in tectonic activity, similar large fissures filled with piping hot magma and temperature fluctuations so severe that many areas, including the heel of the boot of Italy, are now allegedly incompatible with life. The appearance of a many-armed, blue-skinned humanoid atop a white horse with a scimitar and spinning chakra was noted in parts of Eastern India, referring to himself as Kalki the Destroyer while taking the lives of many.

While social media posts are referring to this worldwide phenomenon as the apocalypse, end of days, Judgement Day, the end of Kali Yuga, etc, these assumptions are unfounded and should be treated with skepticism. As part of our hospital’s commitment to provide a safe and secure environment for faculty, staff, patients and visitors, we have involved our local police department and conducted a comprehensive sweep at all hospital locations looking for the presence of suspicious activity, such as horses, rays of light, or unorthodox weapons. After thorough investigation, at this time, we do not anticipate any disruptions to our daily operations and require that all staff and faculty report to work as scheduled.

In the interest of protecting our staff and patients, in conjunction with local authorities, we are implementing security checks at the entrance of every location effective immediately. This will include paranormal activity detectors à la Ghost Hunters and a TSA-level evaluation of randomly selected citizens (you know who you are). All visitors and employees will be required to go through security screening. To ease the burden of transportation for our staff, we have created a shuttle system that will stop at designated locations to pick up employees with hospital ID once an hour. This shuttle will travel through city-sanctioned routes that include makeshift bridges across the rifts that we believe to be able to withstand lightning and other paranormal activity. We are also offering complimentary housing in the hospital with ED stretchers and meals made from fallout shelter goods, since most grocery stores have ceased to exist today.

Many of you may be reticent, given the doomsday landscape outside our doors, to leave your house and family to attend your shift at work. While we empathize and understand, we also want to remind you of your duty as a healthcare employee to show up for your patients and colleagues, including those involved in non-urgent, scheduled elective surgeries and procedures. Those who are unable or unwilling to report will risk unpaid leave and possible evaluation for termination. We will continue to monitor current events (for as long as we are alive) and update you as changes arise. We remain committed to the safety of our team and our patients.

Keep up the incredible work, team! We continue to be proud of all that you do. 

Your Hospital Administration

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