Surgeon's Guide to Dating

What does a nearly 30-year-old surgery resident surrounded by cornfields in the Midwest have in common with a fashion-forward writer in Manhattan…in 1998? While I would never dare try to fill Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes (figuratively of course, did you see her closet?), we are both ambitious, confident women that just so happen to be navigating (and documenting) the “beast” colloquially known as dating. Before we dive in, I must disclose that my writing is based on my anecdotal experience as a cis-straight woman. And while I was a psychology major at my nearby state school, I am by no means an expert. But I digress. 

Last night, my best friend, who also happens to be a gorgeous, intelligent, tall-blonde bombshell in San Francisco, called me with a debrief of her most recent failed romance. About twenty minutes into our call, she made an interesting observation: all her single girlfriends are successful, smart, aspirational women. 

Why is this a common theme? Well, if you asked Charlotte York (5 minutes and 40 seconds into episode 1 of sex and the city), she would tell you, “Most men are threatened by successful women. If you want to get these guys, you have to keep your mouth shut and play it by the rules.” 

Well, I don’t always keep my mouth shut. On social media I frequently encounter comments on my posts from pictureless men who proudly express their distaste for a “modern woman” – a woman who has a career(!) that takes her away from her sole purpose of raising children(!) and maintaining the household(!) while the man continues his role as the bread-winner. While this may be true for some men, I refuse to believe it’s true for all. These commenters are, in my opinion, the loud minority.  

But maybe - I’m starting to wonder, if to some degree - we are the problem. 

Maybe we are “too picky.”  We all know Darwin’s Theory of Evolution - the concept of natural selection and survival of the fittest (Darwin 1871). Traditionally, this meant selecting men that could provide physical protection and/or financial security. We, as a society, are constantly evolving. Women no longer require that same type of protection. Women are steadily out-pacing men in educational pursuits. As a result, women are now in better positions to support themselves in life, with a different perception of what they deem as “fit.” This may place less emphasis on the traditional considerations during selection and more on other factors - like an individual’s emotional intelligence, physical compatibility, and/or lifestyle preferences. I’ll take it. We are picky, and for good reason. We no longer need to compromise our other wants and desires for “protection” or “survival.”

I’ve had another thought creep in lately: maybe career-driven women are just bad at dating? As a senior surgery resident, I have spent the last decade of my life in firm control of my life’s outcomes. The formula has always been a variation of “A + B = C.” To get into medical school (C) I needed a good MCAT score (A) and healthcare experience (B). To get a good MCAT score (C) I needed to study 7 hours a day (A) and do five practice tests (B). To get into residency (C), I not only needed good scores (A) and excellent letters of recommendation (B), but also needed numerous research publications (C). To do well in residency I nonetheless continued this mindset. The formula continues to repeat itself, just with more variables. 

I am now in my fourth year of Otolaryngology training and have become a “pro” at managing the following scenario: a patient presents with a large volume bleed from the nose in the emergency room, and I am consulted to stop the bleeding. I have multiple options to do so – I can apply pressure, spray some Afrin, cauterize, use packing, or as a last resort, go to the operating room. I have plans B, D, E, and F in place to get to my goal. Not achieving that goal is not an option, so I have learned to look for patterns, clues, and algorithms to design a plan to have the best outcome in this specific situation. 

Let’s translate this to dating. A guy doesn’t text back within the “three-day” rule and now you’re spiraling. You, being the queen of controlling your outcomes, brainstorm how to do this. Maybe you post a flattering Instagram story to get his attention. We devise gameplans to try and control the situation that ultimately ends up leaving us (1) disappointed from it not working (or backfiring), or (2) drained from spending so much energy on someone we probably didn’t even like that much to begin with. Look at Carrie Bradshaw’s painfully long pursuit of Mr. Big. There’s a reason none of us watching liked them together. 

High-achieving women are familiar with facing challenges, and pursue them without hesitation. However, the reality is that dating should be the opposite of this. There is no challenge that needs to be pursued - no nosebleed that we must stop. We can just let it bleed and trust that it’ll stop if it’s meant to. And if it doesn’t, then there’s always the next consult. 

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